Meeting new people
Socializing
Always been an insecurity in me
Scared to say something wrong
Scared to come off as rude
Or mean
Always stuck in my head
Away from myself and who I wanted to be
Couldn’t properly be me
Now it’s my biggest insecurity
Keep thinking back to missed opportunities
Missed relationships I could’ve had
Maybe I could’ve done a little better
Reality was
I could never really be there
Stuck in my head
Still putting pieces of myself together
Still trying to find peace
In a war I was never going to win
It started with my closest relationships
The ones I never really had
Between me and myself
Between me and my parents
A constant battle every day
Trying to give my all
But if my all is nothing
What is there to give?
A shattered self-image
A heart in pieces
I’m constantly trying to find a light
To the darkness in my heart
Something I cannot find in someone else
Or I will keep breaking apart
Everyone I ever got to talk to,
I feel like I was a detriment to their life
Having to hear the weight of my story
With no knowledge or guidance as to what a
Relationship was,
I always just observed
I never wanted to be involved
Watching Twitch streams,
Watching other people interact,
Hearing others have conversations in the classroom,
That was how I got to understand social cues and
Things to say in different situations
Being a kid who grew up translating a second language,
I was scared to say the wrong thing when ordering food at Mcdonalds,
I was scared to say the wrong thing when asked to sign up for a discount program,
I was always scared to do the wrong thing
Because as a kid,
I always needed to do what was right
Doing something wrong meant that I would face the consequences
I would have to fix the issue
I would have to find another solution as a 5, 6, 7 year old
Who did not know a singular thing he was doing
My only choice was to choose right
Because there was nothing left
Up until now,
Mid november of 2022
I’ve always struggled with relationships
I always struggled with expressing myself
In a way that would not hurt others
While also finding balance
Within the thoughts inside my head
Not bringing myself down and judging myself too hard
Small talk or deep talk
I always struggled to interact with someone else
Always feeling uncomfortable
Shameful
Nervous
Depressed
But I think now
I think now
I’m ready
I’m ready to build bridges
Ready to unlock doors to other worlds
Ready to start talking about how your day is and not how my life was
Never been a fan of small talk
But I think understand now
Small talk is needed
In order to get to the deep talk
I would love to get to know the deeper you
But I will need some time
To get used to the social media you
So give me some time
I’ll give you all of my mine
Let me get to know the real you
Because I’ll always be real with you
This is just how I am
This is Zhu’s peace
For the broken piece of
Relationship insecurities
