I knew I wasn’t good enough
I didn’t need to be told that everyday
Going into practice
Hearing my coach talk about
How we don’t want to win
Nobody wants to lose
Everyone was trying to have fun since most of everyone on the team was new,
Of course there is going to be a lack of skill
This does not mean we couldn’t improve
Nobody wants to hear that we suck, we’re not enough, we’re dogs, etc.
We know we suck and we played for fun
Then you have a “coach” making some of the team cry
I saw that once and,
I did not EVER want to see another one of my teammates cry
So I used my voice
I started a petition and tried to get him fired
The cost?
Myself
Loading in my memory:
Mind racing,
Heart pumping,
Tears rolling down my face,
Nonstop
Room with my affected teammates, the athletic director, and the Coach
I could not speak without crying
Feeling pain in my heart
Hearing all the bullshit
To each claim we had against him
It didn’t end so well for me:
Remembering vividly
The week before spring break,
I broke down so hard
Each day
Each hour
Crying
Tears down my face
Hands on my face
“Changes” by xxxtentacion
In my ears
The week I was gone from classes
The week I was stuck in the counselor's office
I remember clearly
Being scared of going home
Telling my parents
I couldn’t go to school
They wouldn’t understand
I had to stay in school
Sitting there
Reflecting
Thinking to myself what I could do
Reflecting on my life now:
I never had love to begin with
Not with myself
Not within my family
What were my friends going to do?
So after spending years of my life in depression,
I finally learned to stop being so self-depreciating
The pandemic gave me downtime to really focus on myself
I called it the hyperbolic Zhu chamber (dragon ball z reference)***
***(In one of my previous poems back in 2020)
During the time of the pandemic,
I searched for the lost pieces of myself
I searched for peace
I searched for Zhu
Someone else other than Zhushen
I knew I couldn’t keep living like this
I needed changes
I had to relearn how to be a proper human being
The only problem was
I was missing love
I never experienced it
Never knew what it was
I grew up hating my parents
Hating everything they did to me
Hating everything I had to go through
I’ve gotten so used to not feeling loved,
I’ve gotten comfortable being scared of love
I’ve gotten comfortable being alone
With my thoughts,
Thinking to myself,
How much my life sucked
That was Zhushen’s life
Now it’s Zhu’s turn
To live differently
To be the difference
To bring a different type of love
A love that Zhushen can hold
A love that Zhu is not scared of
This is the year
Zhu will NOT
Be scared of love
