She was always just an idea
Someone in my head
Someone I knew I could not make a reality
I spent all my life ignoring signs
I always knew it was not the time
I was going through too much pain
Too much weight
Too much on my plate
Focused on myself and finding a better me,
I was too self-deprecating
To be someone else's escape
I needed to find my own escape
Fell in love with the idea of love,
There was a time when I was young,
I thought of love being built off of two broken hearts
Thought I fell in love because she told me she wanted to make me hers
Got my heart played
Just wanted to see her smile but
She only smiled cause I was blind
Took me two years to get her out of my mind
Realized maturity takes a lot of time
She wasn’t meant to be mine
Fell hard
When I was young
Learned a lot surrounded by the wrong people
Climbed out of depression
Moved on from the depressed people
Moved on from the hypebeasts and the egotistical
I’ve come a long way from the hole I dug
Realized it was all perspective
Life is based on how you want to see it
Only 23 but feels like I’m 35
Teaching my parents what to do
When we had to deal with a hit and run
Thought I was the kid growing up but
Looks like I had to be the grown-up
My parents depend on me to find success in school
They depend on me to find success in life
Success to me was finding a smile that would never be erased
I was depressed for most my life
Scared of love because my parents always yelled at me
Never got to feel a love that captures every piece of me
So this whole time
I had to ignore the signs
Not because I wasn’t interested
But because I didn’t want to leave you
In a position you were never ready to be in
I needed saving
But finding someone to save me wasn’t going to happen
Knew it could only be me
who could get through this
Always felt alone surrounded by friends who tried to give me company
I lived a different path
Lived too differently for people to fully understand me
I needed to be loved differently
I needed to love myself in a way that was different from what I saw on TV and all around me
Needed to find a version of myself where I could fall but climb,
Cry but find,
Another day,
More time,
A love,
Meant to be mine
Been so traumatized
Love is something I’m not sure I’ll ever find
(Zhushen! Get out of my mind!)
Zhu got it this time
Zhu will find
Someone to call mine
The idea of her
Will not be the only thing I find
Trust me,
I think I’m ready
Ready for a love
I’ve been running from my whole life
Just give me some time,
I’ll find her and she’ll be mine
