In a room
With my open mind and
My broken heart
We have a talk
A talk with me myself and Z
I ask myself why
Why did zhushen have to die?
Why do I struggle to be proud of myself?
Why am I still expected to do more?
Why does it feel like everything I do is never enough?
ANSWER ME
ANSWER ME PLEASE
Take it easy will you?
Simply put,
The answer is in you, Zhu
You carry the body of zhushen with me every day
Carrying his hopelessness with me every day
Hoping for better days
Hoping that maybe one day
The story I share
Will not be the same depression
He felt every day
Living as zhushen
A kid caged and locked out of his childhood
A kid born to be an adult at the age of
Able to speak English
He suffocated
He drowned
Silenced under his
Parent’s insecurities
He carried the heavy weight of
The big brother,
The one to do and handle all
Today,
You wonder why I can’t be proud of myself
The answer is simple, Zhu
Being zhushen,
Love didn’t exist
No one ever gave you the love you needed
You didn’t even respect yourself
Respect from your parents was a joke
Everything about you was a joke
They’re always telling others about how you could do better as a joke
Never about how you carried the entire family to where they are now
Zhushen was never enough, Zhu
Do you understand now?
You went through the depths of this cold world
Freezing
No campfire
No direction
No proper state of mind to survive
Only a broken heart and your parent’s dreams
A life you didn’t choose to live
Was there ever a reason to be proud?
Was there ever an accomplishment you could be happy about?
Getting a 3.8 GPA wasn’t enough
Getting to the University of Washington wasn’t enough
Still not happy
You couldn’t be
You could’ve gotten a 4.0, went to Harvard, done all that and more
Only to end up not happy
Why?
Because none of that was you
None of that was Zhu
If you walk into the world without a light
You’re going to lose everything you thought you had
And that’s what happened, Zhu
You keep holding onto Zhushen’s dying body
Expecting to find warmth and comfort
Only to find out soon
How cold
He felt
You are his warmth
You are his hope to live out his dreams
That’s me
So now,
I carry zhushen with me
I carry every broken piece with Z
Weighing on me daily
I continue to move forward
Under heavy pressure
Fighting to believe there are better days
Believing in Z to be a better me every next day
Zhu will be the love to his fire
He always needed but never received
This was Z to Zhu
This is me myself and Z
